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This is the most recent entry in the Exquisite Corpse:

As he heard the ambulance approaching, he could tell his roommate just wasn’t capable of keeping it together. Sure, he was covered in blood, and who knows what organs were missing and/or damaged. But goddammit, this was his time to shine!

“Oh, wait, that’s not blood, it’s grenadine” he murmured, “probably best to call off the paramedics.”

he grabbed a coat and tied it around his mid section to try to conceal the gore. Today wouldn’t include a trip to the ER if he could help it.

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He woke up this morning, covered in pets.

He rolled over, then looked at the clock. Too many people were yelling in his head. What was that sausage doing on the floor? Why do birds sing?

Too many questions. Too little time. He just needed to get out of bed quick.

He swung his legs out onto the floor, and wearily stumbled from the bedroom into the kitchen. The vegetables were starting to turn. He could smell them through the fridge door. If only he had left them out for the dog, none of this would have happened. He sighed, lifted up the iron and felt the bottom. Still hot. Good, he thought, this will make it easier.

He lay the iron awkwardly on its back and balanced a small metal figurine on the hot surface. Then he made the coffee. Once the coffee was brewed and he’d taken a couple of quick sips it was down to business. He grabbed the pliers that were in the junk drawer and pulled the dragon-shaped statue off the iron. In one swift move he plunged the red hot figurine into his belly and after what seemed like far too long he ripped it from his flesh. A pink bubbly, angry looking silhouette now flanked his navel. This would only make his deeds somewhat more acceptable now.

He decided to sharpen the knife first. He took it out of the knife rack on the counter, along with the sharpener. It was one of those long sharpeners that looked like a thick skewer. You could do someone in with one of these pretty easily, he thought. But back to business. He took a couple more sips of coffee, then commenced with the sharpening. The motion of it was almost hypnotic. Sliding the knife along the length of crushed diamond dust (gives it an extra sharp blade! the salesman had said). First one side, then the other. Over and over. When it was done, he ran his finger along the blade, and drew a bead of blood. Perfect, he thought. He put aside the sharpener, moved over to the cutting board, and spread out the fingers of his left hand. He put the blade at the base of his pinky and brought it down with a resounding thud. Goodbye, finger.

While bleeding violently into the empty space where his pinky used to be, he took a moment to ponder his current situation. Visions of angry monkeys and a withered old woman knocked around his brain until he exclaimed with a gasp:

“Fucking shit, my hand!”

“What’s that?” his roommate yelled from the living room.

“I just chopped off my fucking finger!” he coughed back as his eyes filled with tears

“Well, Fuck! We should do something about this.”

“Yeah, that’d be good” he replied in mid tumble as he passed out on the kitchen floor.

He awoke with the nurse standing over him, cigarette dangling from her lips. She had on one of those old 1950’s style nurse hats, and her wrinkled face showed little interest in how he was feeling. The only light in the room was coming from a single bare bulb dangling on a chord suspended from the ceiling. It was too bright, yet somehow not bright enough. Something was wrong here, he could feel it. He tried to ask the nurse what was going on, but his mouth seemed full of cotton. He tried to sit up, but his body seemed weighted down with lead. Defeated, he let himself slip back into unconsciousness, while the nurse continued watching him with the same disinterested look.

What seemed like moments later, he woke up with a start. The nurse’s lit cigarette had landed on his belly. Oddly though, she remained motionless, almost statuesque.

“Hey!” he yelled at her, “What’s the big fucking stupid ass idea you crazy psycho statue freak?!”

she just stood there, mouth slightly agape. She looked kind of pale green too. He stood up and poked her forehead once with his middle finger. Slowly, she tipped back and landed in an awkward sprawl across the checkerboard linoleum. His heart stood still when he noticed the slugs on the far wall.

He watched, frozen in horror. The slugs were huge, like something out of a bad horror movie. One was crawling across the nurse’s prostrate form, and it was making a sickening kind of slurping sound. Then, as slowly as the slugs were moving, he began to notice that the walls were melting. It was hard to tell at first, because it was happening at such an incredibly reduced speed. But, oh god, it was really happening. Then the light started to fade, and he was pretty sure he screamed.
The blackness was replaced by the face of his roommate peering at him with what looked like sheer terror in his every feature.
“Hey, man,” he said, and his voice was shaking a little, “are you okay? “Cause you passed out there, and you’ve lost a lot of blood. I called the ambulance, they should be here any minute. Just…just stay with me, okay?”